So just when I thought everything was so great... He ended it. Said he wasn't emotionally ready for a relationship. Yeah, I understand. I just ... ouch. I mean, I was soo happy. He said he loves me & that's why he let me go. Something about a feeling that something really bad was gonna happen. :.sigh:::: today he said he could see us together for a really long time. Yeah, me, too. Goddess... when I'm with him ... everything's perfect. I'm sitting in the bitter frigid afternoon sunlight, leaning against Odin for moral support, spilling my guts out with tears in my eyes... & he agreed. So I don't understand why, if he feels as I do, he'd want us apart. But he's more mature in oh-so-many ways than I, so I trust his judgement. & I'll wait. I don't know what to do.
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Right now, being sober is pretty much killing me. I'm alone because I felt I needed it, but now I'm regretting it. I've never been this torn over a fucking boy before. NEVER. Not even with Nick & all the times we fought & broke up & got back together. I can remember ... it happened so much, I just stopped crying. Same with Matt. But this one ... this one's different. I can't get him out of my head. So all I want to do is sleep. & smoke, but we're all dry & broke. 'til Friday which, THANKFULLY, isn't far away. I feel retarded running to drugs to get away, but it is better than what I usually do, now isn't it? I don't want to cut 'cos I know he'll get mad at me. Disapointed, he says, which is far worse than anger. I just don't know what to do.
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Going to Georgia on the 20th. I'm wicked excited. I mean ... really really really damn excited. I get to see everybody! Molly & Sarah. Bridgette, Snick, Manda, maybe Dave, X-Man, etc. etc. I'm getting tattoos with Sarah, hopefully, if everything works out. We're getting matching tats on our wrists 'this too' on the left & 'shall pass' on the right. Which has a lot of significance to us, and to my life. I've always said tattoos should represent the phases of your life. Memories, etc. Which is why I'm going to get a Hatchetman tattoo... even if, which I highly doubt, I end up dropping ... I'll still be down in my heart & I'll always have the memories. I'll always remember this as the best time in my life. I'll always have Juggalo family. Anyways ... so I'm mad excited.
1.12.06
.004 So this is love?
Everything was going great, we made it on time to school, wake-and-bake, everything. I took a shower, I'm feelin' good. We go through school, blahblahblah, and then I get to disect a heart with Eric 'cos he was absent the day we did that lab in anatomy. I love disections. I guess that's disgusting, but whatever. Then we went on a galavant to Hooter's for wing night. We spent $60 on Mom's Hooter's card. We told her we'd pay her back, but she told us it was on her, which was really cool.
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When we were at Hooter's, Matt & I were outside & I told him he has beautiful eyes [and he doooes!] & I said 'I love your eyes' & he said 'I love you' & I go '... no you don't.' & he goes 'no, I don't.' So I asked later & he says maybe he does. Interesting, because just earlier I was telling Alex that I think I'm falling for him. So we dropped everybody off & Skitz, Matt, & I went to the cemetary by my house. Oh my god, the night was gorgeous. Absolutely wonderful. Warm, just a hint of wind, that crisp fall air that I love so much. & we're laying down on the grass by some headstones, watching the moon, just relaxing... and he said he loves me. My heart melted & in that instand, I knew ... just knew. & I think the dead knew, too, because there was a spark of energy only the two of us could feel. & right now, I'm so ... relaxed. Peaceful. Calm. I feel like everything's as it should be, as it was meant to be. Perfect. I hesitate to say that because I don't want anything to break, but that's it ... perfect.
Needless to say, I'm happier than I have been in awhile. Earlier, Trick said something about being the world to someone ... I've found my world.
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When we were at Hooter's, Matt & I were outside & I told him he has beautiful eyes [and he doooes!] & I said 'I love your eyes' & he said 'I love you' & I go '... no you don't.' & he goes 'no, I don't.' So I asked later & he says maybe he does. Interesting, because just earlier I was telling Alex that I think I'm falling for him. So we dropped everybody off & Skitz, Matt, & I went to the cemetary by my house. Oh my god, the night was gorgeous. Absolutely wonderful. Warm, just a hint of wind, that crisp fall air that I love so much. & we're laying down on the grass by some headstones, watching the moon, just relaxing... and he said he loves me. My heart melted & in that instand, I knew ... just knew. & I think the dead knew, too, because there was a spark of energy only the two of us could feel. & right now, I'm so ... relaxed. Peaceful. Calm. I feel like everything's as it should be, as it was meant to be. Perfect. I hesitate to say that because I don't want anything to break, but that's it ... perfect.
Needless to say, I'm happier than I have been in awhile. Earlier, Trick said something about being the world to someone ... I've found my world.
29.11.06
.003 What's in a name?
WOW.
Ok, it's been awhile. I've been ... stressed like crazy the past few days.
Thanksgiving was alright. We got a half day on Wednesday, Thursday & Friday off, of course, and we also had Monday off. Needless to say, I had an aaaaammmmmmaaaaaaazzzzzzziiiiiinnnnnnngggggg five day weekend.
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Wednesday, Randy, Trick, Mel, Eric & I picked up Skitz after school after narrowly missing an encounter with ... DUN DUN DUNNN ... Alex. He's this wicked annoying kid. Who only comes around when he wants something. You know the type, total lush. Only seems to come around when there's green or alki. I hate people like that. He's just ... sketchy. Anyways, so we got green. Dropped off Trick & Mel. Went to my place, smoked. Dropped off Eric & Randy. Got Phil, smoked more. Thursday, I dropped Skitz at her house. Slept, baked. Matt came over. He's this REALLY hot Juggalo who lives near me. As in, down the street. Anyways, he's mad hot. So we chilled, and then I dropped him off, came home, ate, got Skitz, got Matt again. Lol it was great. Black Friday. Skitz, she's a sophomore in my Geometry class. But she's fucking awesome, so we chill. Constantly. Her real name's Felicia, but she got to Skitz through a process of name osmosis. Felicia to Skittles to Skitz. Amazing. Anyway, so we planned on getting up at 5AM & didn't end up ACTUALLY getting up until about nine. I spent $160 on my friends & fam & I'm so excited for x-mass.
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Friday night was SO MUCH fun. We got tomagotchis & ... yeah, more green. And we went to Bethel to get Nessa, who's probably my closest friend up here. Phil got alki for us, he's twenty-one, and we had a miniture party in my room. Again. We messed around with a Ouiji board & my Tarot deck. Fun stuff. Needless to say, I was royally fucked & it was great. The entire weekend was spent intoxicated.
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I also spent five days off my meds. Just as I was starting to feel entirely like dying .... BLAM! Mom got my 'scrip filled. Withdrawls from Zoloft is probably the worst experience I've ever had. I mean, let's face it, I DON'T GET SICK. So for me to feel so sick that i'm constantly nausious is a big deal. I'm all good now, though.
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So. I started dating that Matt kid. He's absolutely amazing. It's only been like ... two days? So I can't really be like 'OHMYGODHE'STHEBESTTHINGBLAHBLAHBLAH I'M IN LOVE.' 'Cos I'm not. But he is great. & We're going to Hooter's tomorrow with Trick & Mel, this should be fun. ^.^;;
Ok, it's been awhile. I've been ... stressed like crazy the past few days.
Thanksgiving was alright. We got a half day on Wednesday, Thursday & Friday off, of course, and we also had Monday off. Needless to say, I had an aaaaammmmmmaaaaaaazzzzzzziiiiiinnnnnnngggggg five day weekend.
------
Wednesday, Randy, Trick, Mel, Eric & I picked up Skitz after school after narrowly missing an encounter with ... DUN DUN DUNNN ... Alex. He's this wicked annoying kid. Who only comes around when he wants something. You know the type, total lush. Only seems to come around when there's green or alki. I hate people like that. He's just ... sketchy. Anyways, so we got green. Dropped off Trick & Mel. Went to my place, smoked. Dropped off Eric & Randy. Got Phil, smoked more. Thursday, I dropped Skitz at her house. Slept, baked. Matt came over. He's this REALLY hot Juggalo who lives near me. As in, down the street. Anyways, he's mad hot. So we chilled, and then I dropped him off, came home, ate, got Skitz, got Matt again. Lol it was great. Black Friday. Skitz, she's a sophomore in my Geometry class. But she's fucking awesome, so we chill. Constantly. Her real name's Felicia, but she got to Skitz through a process of name osmosis. Felicia to Skittles to Skitz. Amazing. Anyway, so we planned on getting up at 5AM & didn't end up ACTUALLY getting up until about nine. I spent $160 on my friends & fam & I'm so excited for x-mass.
------
Friday night was SO MUCH fun. We got tomagotchis & ... yeah, more green. And we went to Bethel to get Nessa, who's probably my closest friend up here. Phil got alki for us, he's twenty-one, and we had a miniture party in my room. Again. We messed around with a Ouiji board & my Tarot deck. Fun stuff. Needless to say, I was royally fucked & it was great. The entire weekend was spent intoxicated.
------
I also spent five days off my meds. Just as I was starting to feel entirely like dying .... BLAM! Mom got my 'scrip filled. Withdrawls from Zoloft is probably the worst experience I've ever had. I mean, let's face it, I DON'T GET SICK. So for me to feel so sick that i'm constantly nausious is a big deal. I'm all good now, though.
------
So. I started dating that Matt kid. He's absolutely amazing. It's only been like ... two days? So I can't really be like 'OHMYGODHE'STHEBESTTHINGBLAHBLAHBLAH I'M IN LOVE.' 'Cos I'm not. But he is great. & We're going to Hooter's tomorrow with Trick & Mel, this should be fun. ^.^;;
15.11.06
.002 Box full of sharp objects
I've discovered that I really like The Used. Maybe it's just 'cos of my mood, but whatever.
Nothing good happened today. School as usual. I slept for two and a half hours last night. Naturally, I was exhausted so I just sorta came home & crashed. Which means I'm not tired now, of course. Mom said I should stop taking a nap. Yeah, yeah, but that's easier said than done. Basically, it's all stress. I'm so fucking stressed out. I can't even tell you why. Lately, all I want to do is cut. I keep myself from it, because I'm trying to get better, but it's really hard. It's like, I know I'll be able to sleep if I just ...... but that's regression, and regression is bad.
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I'm going to see Disturbed on Saturday. I'm really excited. I've never seen them, so this is a big deal to me. It's great, too, 'cos I'll have something to look forward to. Although, to be honest, there's been so much other shit on my mind that I haven't thought about the concert at all until yesterday when Eric told me he'd paid for our tickets. It still hasn't hit me. I need to get outta this mood so that I can actually ENJOY my show.
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I'm supposed to get my hair done tomorrow, but I'm not sure. I quit my job because my boss went ape-shit over my piercings. I hated that guy. I needed something closer to home, anyways. I asked Mom if I need to cancel my appointment. She still hasn't answered. Thanks. I need to get my car fixed before Saturday....
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So my walrus exboyfriend started harassing me again. I should've seen that coming. He just can't get enough of me. :.smirk: He constantly lies, etc. etc. & I don't want that in my life. I just don't. So I told him to fuck off & hung up on him. So he texts me calling me a moron? Lucky for me, Trick was there & talked me out of calling him back. Or answering at all, for that matter Because I would have gotten myself so fucking pissed.
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Meanwhile ... I honestly feel like something's wrong. And I can't figure out what. I just feel like shit, like nothing matters. I'm invsible. I am silence. & let me tell you, it totally sucks. Maybe a bowl would be helpful....
Nothing good happened today. School as usual. I slept for two and a half hours last night. Naturally, I was exhausted so I just sorta came home & crashed. Which means I'm not tired now, of course. Mom said I should stop taking a nap. Yeah, yeah, but that's easier said than done. Basically, it's all stress. I'm so fucking stressed out. I can't even tell you why. Lately, all I want to do is cut. I keep myself from it, because I'm trying to get better, but it's really hard. It's like, I know I'll be able to sleep if I just ...... but that's regression, and regression is bad.
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I'm going to see Disturbed on Saturday. I'm really excited. I've never seen them, so this is a big deal to me. It's great, too, 'cos I'll have something to look forward to. Although, to be honest, there's been so much other shit on my mind that I haven't thought about the concert at all until yesterday when Eric told me he'd paid for our tickets. It still hasn't hit me. I need to get outta this mood so that I can actually ENJOY my show.
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I'm supposed to get my hair done tomorrow, but I'm not sure. I quit my job because my boss went ape-shit over my piercings. I hated that guy. I needed something closer to home, anyways. I asked Mom if I need to cancel my appointment. She still hasn't answered. Thanks. I need to get my car fixed before Saturday....
------
So my walrus exboyfriend started harassing me again. I should've seen that coming. He just can't get enough of me. :.smirk: He constantly lies, etc. etc. & I don't want that in my life. I just don't. So I told him to fuck off & hung up on him. So he texts me calling me a moron? Lucky for me, Trick was there & talked me out of calling him back. Or answering at all, for that matter Because I would have gotten myself so fucking pissed.
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Meanwhile ... I honestly feel like something's wrong. And I can't figure out what. I just feel like shit, like nothing matters. I'm invsible. I am silence. & let me tell you, it totally sucks. Maybe a bowl would be helpful....
.001 Ok, wow
So I'm sitting here at one in the morning, exhausted, writing in a blog.
What the fuck am I doing?
I think I've caught insomnia, or something, because I just can't seem to fall asleep. But I'm soo fucking tired. It really doesn't make any sense & has me quite confused. And annoyed.
So basically, I stay up until I'm so exhausted that I almost just pass out. I get up at six thirty in the morning, barely able to function, shift through school all day, then take a nap. From two 'til about 7.30 when they wake me up for dinner. OF COURSE, I can't fall back asleep! But ... if I don't take a nap, I'll fall asleep while sitting at dinner. No joke.
I have no idea what's wrong.
& now I'm just rambling.
------
I decided to start this blog today mostly because I'm bored, but partly because I wanted an outlet where I could say anything and everything without having to censor myself. I know, I know, MySpace & LiveJournal are the same thing! But ... they're not really, see, because my friends read those. I pride myself on being as-blunt-as-possible, but there are things I just can't tell some of them. So they get stuck in my head & just make everything worse.
Here's the problem. I have problems. I've been diagnosed with clinical depression. If I'm alone for too long, I get really depressed. I get suicidal over nothing. I have ADHD which causes me to forget, literally, everything. It's incredibly scary. Like most teenagers, I have no idea who I am or where I fit in this wonderful world of ours. While most kids embrace this, it gives me panic attacks. What do I have to complain about? I'm a seventeen year-old kid. I'm a senior in high school in a pretty good school with really great friends, my own car, no bills, etc etc. Which is exactly why I can't post this sort of stuff in my LiveJournal. 'Cos, while I love my friends, they really just don't understand. Not in that 'OMGIHATEMYLIFE' sort of way ... But, they just don't. They'd get on to me for complaining when 'well, look what's good in your life...' which really isn't what I want to here. You'd think that would make them bad friends, but it doesn't. It's complicated.
Long story short .... be prepared to follow my confusing road through adolesence. Uncensored, for my own benefit.
What the fuck am I doing?
I think I've caught insomnia, or something, because I just can't seem to fall asleep. But I'm soo fucking tired. It really doesn't make any sense & has me quite confused. And annoyed.
So basically, I stay up until I'm so exhausted that I almost just pass out. I get up at six thirty in the morning, barely able to function, shift through school all day, then take a nap. From two 'til about 7.30 when they wake me up for dinner. OF COURSE, I can't fall back asleep! But ... if I don't take a nap, I'll fall asleep while sitting at dinner. No joke.
I have no idea what's wrong.
& now I'm just rambling.
------
I decided to start this blog today mostly because I'm bored, but partly because I wanted an outlet where I could say anything and everything without having to censor myself. I know, I know, MySpace & LiveJournal are the same thing! But ... they're not really, see, because my friends read those. I pride myself on being as-blunt-as-possible, but there are things I just can't tell some of them. So they get stuck in my head & just make everything worse.
Here's the problem. I have problems. I've been diagnosed with clinical depression. If I'm alone for too long, I get really depressed. I get suicidal over nothing. I have ADHD which causes me to forget, literally, everything. It's incredibly scary. Like most teenagers, I have no idea who I am or where I fit in this wonderful world of ours. While most kids embrace this, it gives me panic attacks. What do I have to complain about? I'm a seventeen year-old kid. I'm a senior in high school in a pretty good school with really great friends, my own car, no bills, etc etc. Which is exactly why I can't post this sort of stuff in my LiveJournal. 'Cos, while I love my friends, they really just don't understand. Not in that 'OMGIHATEMYLIFE' sort of way ... But, they just don't. They'd get on to me for complaining when 'well, look what's good in your life...' which really isn't what I want to here. You'd think that would make them bad friends, but it doesn't. It's complicated.
Long story short .... be prepared to follow my confusing road through adolesence. Uncensored, for my own benefit.
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