So just when I thought everything was so great... He ended it. Said he wasn't emotionally ready for a relationship. Yeah, I understand. I just ... ouch. I mean, I was soo happy. He said he loves me & that's why he let me go. Something about a feeling that something really bad was gonna happen. :.sigh:::: today he said he could see us together for a really long time. Yeah, me, too. Goddess... when I'm with him ... everything's perfect. I'm sitting in the bitter frigid afternoon sunlight, leaning against Odin for moral support, spilling my guts out with tears in my eyes... & he agreed. So I don't understand why, if he feels as I do, he'd want us apart. But he's more mature in oh-so-many ways than I, so I trust his judgement. & I'll wait. I don't know what to do.
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Right now, being sober is pretty much killing me. I'm alone because I felt I needed it, but now I'm regretting it. I've never been this torn over a fucking boy before. NEVER. Not even with Nick & all the times we fought & broke up & got back together. I can remember ... it happened so much, I just stopped crying. Same with Matt. But this one ... this one's different. I can't get him out of my head. So all I want to do is sleep. & smoke, but we're all dry & broke. 'til Friday which, THANKFULLY, isn't far away. I feel retarded running to drugs to get away, but it is better than what I usually do, now isn't it? I don't want to cut 'cos I know he'll get mad at me. Disapointed, he says, which is far worse than anger. I just don't know what to do.
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Going to Georgia on the 20th. I'm wicked excited. I mean ... really really really damn excited. I get to see everybody! Molly & Sarah. Bridgette, Snick, Manda, maybe Dave, X-Man, etc. etc. I'm getting tattoos with Sarah, hopefully, if everything works out. We're getting matching tats on our wrists 'this too' on the left & 'shall pass' on the right. Which has a lot of significance to us, and to my life. I've always said tattoos should represent the phases of your life. Memories, etc. Which is why I'm going to get a Hatchetman tattoo... even if, which I highly doubt, I end up dropping ... I'll still be down in my heart & I'll always have the memories. I'll always remember this as the best time in my life. I'll always have Juggalo family. Anyways ... so I'm mad excited.
6.12.06
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3 comments:
Ya, cutting to drugs, because of problems. Youre funny as many times as you always got onto me for the drug thing... but thats the past. I dont need drugs anymore.. I have my best friend and business associate, Donnie. I know you got friends, but why not turn to them? Drugs are good though, but not for me anymore. Bye.
Oh ya. I still have your damned ring. I'll send it when i get around to it. Im too busy right now setting up shop.
man...I so love you.
I wish things were better for you, and I mostly wish I could see you. =[
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