.003 What's in a name?

WOW.
Ok, it's been awhile. I've been ... stressed like crazy the past few days.
Thanksgiving was alright. We got a half day on Wednesday, Thursday & Friday off, of course, and we also had Monday off. Needless to say, I had an aaaaammmmmmaaaaaaazzzzzzziiiiiinnnnnnngggggg five day weekend.

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Wednesday, Randy, Trick, Mel, Eric & I picked up Skitz after school after narrowly missing an encounter with ... DUN DUN DUNNN ... Alex. He's this wicked annoying kid. Who only comes around when he wants something. You know the type, total lush. Only seems to come around when there's green or alki. I hate people like that. He's just ... sketchy. Anyways, so we got green. Dropped off Trick & Mel. Went to my place, smoked. Dropped off Eric & Randy. Got Phil, smoked more. Thursday, I dropped Skitz at her house. Slept, baked. Matt came over. He's this REALLY hot Juggalo who lives near me. As in, down the street. Anyways, he's mad hot. So we chilled, and then I dropped him off, came home, ate, got Skitz, got Matt again. Lol it was great. Black Friday. Skitz, she's a sophomore in my Geometry class. But she's fucking awesome, so we chill. Constantly. Her real name's Felicia, but she got to Skitz through a process of name osmosis. Felicia to Skittles to Skitz. Amazing. Anyway, so we planned on getting up at 5AM & didn't end up ACTUALLY getting up until about nine. I spent $160 on my friends & fam & I'm so excited for x-mass.

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Friday night was SO MUCH fun. We got tomagotchis & ... yeah, more green. And we went to Bethel to get Nessa, who's probably my closest friend up here. Phil got alki for us, he's twenty-one, and we had a miniture party in my room. Again. We messed around with a Ouiji board & my Tarot deck. Fun stuff. Needless to say, I was royally fucked & it was great. The entire weekend was spent intoxicated.

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I also spent five days off my meds. Just as I was starting to feel entirely like dying .... BLAM! Mom got my 'scrip filled. Withdrawls from Zoloft is probably the worst experience I've ever had. I mean, let's face it, I DON'T GET SICK. So for me to feel so sick that i'm constantly nausious is a big deal. I'm all good now, though.

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So. I started dating that Matt kid. He's absolutely amazing. It's only been like ... two days? So I can't really be like 'OHMYGODHE'STHEBESTTHINGBLAHBLAHBLAH I'M IN LOVE.' 'Cos I'm not. But he is great. & We're going to Hooter's tomorrow with Trick & Mel, this should be fun. ^.^;;

.002 Box full of sharp objects

I've discovered that I really like The Used. Maybe it's just 'cos of my mood, but whatever.

Nothing good happened today. School as usual. I slept for two and a half hours last night. Naturally, I was exhausted so I just sorta came home & crashed. Which means I'm not tired now, of course. Mom said I should stop taking a nap. Yeah, yeah, but that's easier said than done. Basically, it's all stress. I'm so fucking stressed out. I can't even tell you why. Lately, all I want to do is cut. I keep myself from it, because I'm trying to get better, but it's really hard. It's like, I know I'll be able to sleep if I just ...... but that's regression, and regression is bad.


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I'm going to see Disturbed on Saturday. I'm really excited. I've never seen them, so this is a big deal to me. It's great, too, 'cos I'll have something to look forward to. Although, to be honest, there's been so much other shit on my mind that I haven't thought about the concert at all until yesterday when Eric told me he'd paid for our tickets. It still hasn't hit me. I need to get outta this mood so that I can actually ENJOY my show.


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I'm supposed to get my hair done tomorrow, but I'm not sure. I quit my job because my boss went ape-shit over my piercings. I hated that guy. I needed something closer to home, anyways. I asked Mom if I need to cancel my appointment. She still hasn't answered. Thanks. I need to get my car fixed before Saturday....


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So my walrus exboyfriend started harassing me again. I should've seen that coming. He just can't get enough of me. :.smirk: He constantly lies, etc. etc. & I don't want that in my life. I just don't. So I told him to fuck off & hung up on him. So he texts me calling me a moron? Lucky for me, Trick was there & talked me out of calling him back. Or answering at all, for that matter Because I would have gotten myself so fucking pissed.


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Meanwhile ... I honestly feel like something's wrong. And I can't figure out what. I just feel like shit, like nothing matters. I'm invsible. I am silence. & let me tell you, it totally sucks. Maybe a bowl would be helpful....

.001 Ok, wow

So I'm sitting here at one in the morning, exhausted, writing in a blog.
What the fuck am I doing?
I think I've caught insomnia, or something, because I just can't seem to fall asleep. But I'm soo fucking tired. It really doesn't make any sense & has me quite confused. And annoyed.
So basically, I stay up until I'm so exhausted that I almost just pass out. I get up at six thirty in the morning, barely able to function, shift through school all day, then take a nap. From two 'til about 7.30 when they wake me up for dinner. OF COURSE, I can't fall back asleep! But ... if I don't take a nap, I'll fall asleep while sitting at dinner. No joke.

I have no idea what's wrong.
& now I'm just rambling.


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I decided to start this blog today mostly because I'm bored, but partly because I wanted an outlet where I could say anything and everything without having to censor myself. I know, I know, MySpace & LiveJournal are the same thing! But ... they're not really, see, because my friends read those. I pride myself on being as-blunt-as-possible, but there are things I just can't tell some of them. So they get stuck in my head & just make everything worse.

Here's the problem. I have problems. I've been diagnosed with clinical depression. If I'm alone for too long, I get really depressed. I get suicidal over nothing. I have ADHD which causes me to forget, literally, everything. It's incredibly scary. Like most teenagers, I have no idea who I am or where I fit in this wonderful world of ours. While most kids embrace this, it gives me panic attacks. What do I have to complain about? I'm a seventeen year-old kid. I'm a senior in high school in a pretty good school with really great friends, my own car, no bills, etc etc. Which is exactly why I can't post this sort of stuff in my LiveJournal. 'Cos, while I love my friends, they really just don't understand. Not in that 'OMGIHATEMYLIFE' sort of way ... But, they just don't. They'd get on to me for complaining when 'well, look what's good in your life...' which really isn't what I want to here. You'd think that would make them bad friends, but it doesn't. It's complicated.

Long story short .... be prepared to follow my confusing road through adolesence. Uncensored, for my own benefit.