.005 Maybe I'm not meant to crack a smile.

So just when I thought everything was so great... He ended it. Said he wasn't emotionally ready for a relationship. Yeah, I understand. I just ... ouch. I mean, I was soo happy. He said he loves me & that's why he let me go. Something about a feeling that something really bad was gonna happen. :.sigh:::: today he said he could see us together for a really long time. Yeah, me, too. Goddess... when I'm with him ... everything's perfect. I'm sitting in the bitter frigid afternoon sunlight, leaning against Odin for moral support, spilling my guts out with tears in my eyes... & he agreed. So I don't understand why, if he feels as I do, he'd want us apart. But he's more mature in oh-so-many ways than I, so I trust his judgement. & I'll wait. I don't know what to do.

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Right now, being sober is pretty much killing me. I'm alone because I felt I needed it, but now I'm regretting it. I've never been this torn over a fucking boy before. NEVER. Not even with Nick & all the times we fought & broke up & got back together. I can remember ... it happened so much, I just stopped crying. Same with Matt. But this one ... this one's different. I can't get him out of my head. So all I want to do is sleep. & smoke, but we're all dry & broke. 'til Friday which, THANKFULLY, isn't far away. I feel retarded running to drugs to get away, but it is better than what I usually do, now isn't it? I don't want to cut 'cos I know he'll get mad at me. Disapointed, he says, which is far worse than anger. I just don't know what to do.

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Going to Georgia on the 20th. I'm wicked excited. I mean ... really really really damn excited. I get to see everybody! Molly & Sarah. Bridgette, Snick, Manda, maybe Dave, X-Man, etc. etc. I'm getting tattoos with Sarah, hopefully, if everything works out. We're getting matching tats on our wrists 'this too' on the left & 'shall pass' on the right. Which has a lot of significance to us, and to my life. I've always said tattoos should represent the phases of your life. Memories, etc. Which is why I'm going to get a Hatchetman tattoo... even if, which I highly doubt, I end up dropping ... I'll still be down in my heart & I'll always have the memories. I'll always remember this as the best time in my life. I'll always have Juggalo family. Anyways ... so I'm mad excited.

.004 So this is love?

Everything was going great, we made it on time to school, wake-and-bake, everything. I took a shower, I'm feelin' good. We go through school, blahblahblah, and then I get to disect a heart with Eric 'cos he was absent the day we did that lab in anatomy. I love disections. I guess that's disgusting, but whatever. Then we went on a galavant to Hooter's for wing night. We spent $60 on Mom's Hooter's card. We told her we'd pay her back, but she told us it was on her, which was really cool.

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When we were at Hooter's, Matt & I were outside & I told him he has beautiful eyes [and he doooes!] & I said 'I love your eyes' & he said 'I love you' & I go '... no you don't.' & he goes 'no, I don't.' So I asked later & he says maybe he does. Interesting, because just earlier I was telling Alex that I think I'm falling for him. So we dropped everybody off & Skitz, Matt, & I went to the cemetary by my house. Oh my god, the night was gorgeous. Absolutely wonderful. Warm, just a hint of wind, that crisp fall air that I love so much. & we're laying down on the grass by some headstones, watching the moon, just relaxing... and he said he loves me. My heart melted & in that instand, I knew ... just knew. & I think the dead knew, too, because there was a spark of energy only the two of us could feel. & right now, I'm so ... relaxed. Peaceful. Calm. I feel like everything's as it should be, as it was meant to be. Perfect. I hesitate to say that because I don't want anything to break, but that's it ... perfect.


Needless to say, I'm happier than I have been in awhile. Earlier, Trick said something about being the world to someone ... I've found my world.