Basically, I've decided to stop trying to explain myself.
Sometimes, the things I do are so completely fucked up. I can't explain why I do these things except, maybe, the heat of the moment. It doesn't make me a whore 'cos I'm not sleeping with 6 different guys. I'm not having one-night stands. Everyone involved understands that there's no commitment. That makes the situation sound far worse than it really is.
Elida says I'm liberated. I like that a lot better.
Kat says my life is 'exciting' & she's proud of me.
Hey, whatever. Just trying to have some fun while I still can.
At the same time, though, convincing myself that sex is an emotionless activity isn't working too well. I'm liberated & exciting, but oh-so very confused. There are two boys with whom I would like to involve myself ... both of which don't see our relationship as anything but, uh, friendly. We chill. We hang out. And somehow, chillin' ends up in the most amazing sex I've ever had. Maybe that's because it's unattatched? Maybe it's because I have two when every girl's mother says you're only supposed to have one. I'm living a taboo.
One loves me. & I love him, whole-heartedly with every OUNCE of my being. How can I go have sex with someone else, you may ask? Because all this one wants is un-emotional un-attached casual sex ... and only on his terms, when he wants it... generally when no one else is around. Granted, he still kisses me in public. He doesn't know about the other one.
The other one ... we're just friends. Good friends, mind you. I like him a lot, don't get me wrong, but while he may want a relationship, he's not ready for one. Neither am I, not with someone new. I guess when we have sex, it's really just to kill that stress. Just because we freely talk about sex so, yanno, naturally we're curious. It's so funny to have sex with someone & talk about the guy I'm in love with during our manditory after-sex cuddles.
If I was forced to choose, knowing that my decision would have no ill-effect & the one I chose would take me, I still wouldn't know who to pick. The one I love, the one I'm totally & utterly comfortable around, who knows me better than anyone ... or the new one, who's fresh, & sweet, and somehow knows all the right things to say. I may not love him, but who knows what happens with time?
I'm not even entirely sure love exists anymore. If he loves me so much .... why aren't we together? Why doesn't he want to be with me? Maybe involving myself with two guys is my way of trying to gain acceptance. He may not want to be with me, but this one does... I don't know.
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Life on the homefront really isn't much different. I still suffer from a very noticable lack of car. I still need a fucking job. The truancy officer called my mother & so I'm officially withdrawn from NHS. I need to go to the school to get stuff from my gym locker, tho. I hate bringing stuff into gym. Ugh. I haven't registered for night school yet. I know I should, but I just don't care. That just means the inevitable will happen -- Cast off into the real world. Never again am I going to be able to just ... sit around & do nothing all day. I'm savoring. Mother doesn't understand.
I do need a job, though. Badly. I want to wait until I'm eighteen just so that I can get a decent job & not have to ... settle.
I want to work in an office doing mundane typing & filing. That way I don't have to think for my paycheck. Either that or a nice third-shift job... I do enjoy sleeping until 3-4.
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Meanwhile, I keep entertaining the though of returning to GA to live ... and yet, I keep entangling myself further & further with these new friends of mine. Somehow, the friends I've made up here since August have been better friends to me than the people I hung out with in GA for years. Maybe it's just 'cos I see them everyday. The sense of belonging is just so much more apparent here. I don't know. Doesn't mean I don't love my friends/family in GA... it's just .. second thoughts, as they cloud my mind. Maybe staying up here wouldn't be such a bad thing....
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